Virtual domination and self discovery

Domming online, specifically on Niteflirt, has been great for helping me develop my skills and presence as a Domme. Playing in person, I could cane like nobody’s business, or shove my feet down throats. But the verbal and mental side of it like humiliation, degradation, and role playing often felt difficult and unnatural to me. I felt cheesy and inauthentic because I was uncomfortable with myself, and let society dictate what I was supposed to be doing.

The sheer volume of callers I get on Niteflirt forces me to develop my voice as a Domme, and has me honing in on what I actually enjoy. I have been studying mental domination, leading me to exploring new areas that excite me.

Verbal domination has helped me be a better communicator, who can set boundaries and enforce them. It’s an ongoing experience, and I continue to stumble. I had to realize I didn’t know my own boundaries. This was tough, and I did things that felt uncomfortable. I have let myself get bullied into engaging with topics because I didn’t want to disappoint the client. This isn’t domination, and is a dangerous way to do sex work in general. I had to buckle down and get real with myself about what I was willing to do and not do. I had to follow through on enforcing those boundaries. I had to become an anti-people pleaser.

I have found that in the realm of domination, clients will push for things despite a Domme having already stated their boundaries. I learned that no one was going to enforce my boundaries. I have to be ready to know what to do when boundaries are pushed. These people are generally bad submissives, because they are actually seeking domination over the Domme, and are forgetting who is in charge.

I am a longtime people pleaser. I am attracted to the field and want to continue developing these skills, because I desire the qualities in myself that Dommes convey. I crave being a person who says what they want and need, and then stands by it. Domming is uncovering the part of myself that was buried and inaccessible.

In a presentation for 7 Days of Domination, I heard that everything in the BDSM lifestyle comes from self awareness; from your own needs, wants, limits, and desires, as well as knowing where those things come from. I have come to see kink as a way to learn about the self. Exploring in ways that the general public are afraid of. It’s a way for me to embody a power that I was raised to feel I didn’t deserve, and put it into action.

Daddy An Li writes on her blog that she tries to re-evaluate who she is as a Domme on a regular basis. There are some core kinks that stay with her, but the kinks themselves don’t make the Domme. She writes, “There’s personality, there’s energy, there’s even the timbre of our voices. It’s a whole wide world of who we are…like any human, we change.”  What I thought might be a fun and weird job has become an interrogation into my deepest self. I am terrified. I have avoided myself. I have lost myself in others. To be a Domme, I do the opposite. I have to learn to come into myself.